How Well Are YOU Listening: Active Listening in Relationships

Do your kids or your spouse ever ask you “Are You Listening to Me?”

If we are truly honest with one another, we have all heard this question posed to ourselves in the past at some point. We can find ourselves juggling many roles and responsibilities these days that we may miss opportunities for connection with those closest to us because we are so intent on reporting rather than attending. Our own need to feel noticed or important is often expressed through reporting our viewpoint or delivering what we may consider a more interesting perspective. As a marriage and family therapist, I often witness family members or partners during sessions that exhibit an excitability to also be heard, which can manifest as interruptions or hasty responsiveness. In relationships that possess ongoing or escalating conflict, that instinctual hastiness is portrayed as emotional reactivity rather than thoughtful, intentional responsiveness.

Active Listening in Relationships: People Often Listen to Respond Rather Than Listen to Understand

It is said that people often listen to respond rather than listening to understand, meaning they are crafting in their minds a reply while another person is still speaking.

This crafting of a separate or adjoining perspective interferes with our ability to receive, express understanding and demonstrate curiosity to the person speaking. Conversations can easily be misinterpreted when we do not take the time to fully engage in the information being conveyed to us. You can enhance your conversation skills by increasing your efforts at reflective listening as opposed to perspective taking or point making in conversations. Rather than trying to interpret what another is saying, start by focusing on the speaker’s content while also identifying their emotion as experienced in a situation. To illustrate good listening skills, one must use reflection by summarizing, paraphrasing or repeating back what they heard.

If your emotions are getting in the way of communicating effectively with another, try to remove your feelings from the conversation.

One way to do this is to pretend you are a reported who needs to deliver an unbiased account to another individual or team of persons.

1. Gather the essential facts from the speaker’s narrative and enhance your understanding by seeking additional information through direct questioning.

2. Give a verbal summary to the speaker without adding any sentiments or reactions in your reflection.

Effective communication, especially active listening in relationships, is essential to achieving interpersonal connectedness and starts by allowing others to feel heard and understood.

Improve your listening skills today by curbing the desire to elicit a quick response until you have engaged in deliberate expression of another person’s narrative.

Keep focused on the speaker and articulate what you have learned because listening creates a connection with others that expresses and communicates value.