The Four Relationship Habits That Cause Damage—and How to Fix Them

Every couple experiences conflict—but how we handle that conflict can either strengthen or harm the relationship. According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, there are four communication patterns—nicknamed “The Four Horsemen”—that predict relationship breakdown if left unaddressed.

The good news? Each of these has a healthy antidote that helps build understanding and emotional safety.

Here’s a quick look at the Four Horsemen and what to do instead:

• Criticism → Use a Gentle Start-Up 

  • Instead of attacking your partner’s character, express your feelings and needs using “I” statements.

• Defensiveness → Take Responsibility 

  • Rather than deflecting or making excuses, acknowledge your part—even if it’s small.

• Contempt → Describe Your Own Feelings and Needs 

  • Avoid sarcasm, eye-rolling, or name-calling. Focus on expressing your experience without blaming your partner.

• Stonewalling → Practice Physiological Self-Soothing 

  • When overwhelmed, take a break and focus on calming your body before re-engaging in conversation.

These changes can make a huge difference in the way partners connect, resolve conflict, and show up for each other.

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